A Snippet of The Unicornologist, Chapter 5

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A Snippet of The Unicornologist, Chapter 5

 

It’s time for Weekend Writing Warriors! Every Sunday, a bunch of writers post 8-10-sentence snippets from their WIPs on their blogs. There’s a lot of reading, commenting and great writing. Click on the link to see the full list.

The setting is New Jersey in June, 1967–back in the days when MacDonald’s had no inside dining room. Dave and Beth (two of the antagonists) are on their first date.

            Dave paid for the shakes and handed one to Beth. They poked their straws through the crosscuts on the lids and sucked down their first sips of the sweet, thick, frosty confection. “Mmmm. I love MacDonald’s shakes. This is nice. Thank you for inviting me.”

            “You’re welcome. I’ve wanted to ask you out ever since I saw you at the first Silent Spring discussion at the library.” Dave gave Beth his best movie star smile as he led her back to his Chevy C10 pickup and opened the door for her, so they could continue enjoying their shakes in comfort, rather than sitting on the hard benches built into MacDonald’s exterior walls.

I know it’s short (the limit is ten sentences), but what do you think of this small excerpt from Chapter 5? Any suggestions on how I can make it better? Please leave your comments below.

13 responses »

  1. Mmmm… McDonalds milkshakes. One of the only things I can eat from there. Anyway, this was a good snippet that shows how casual and comfortable they are with each other. Interesting, since they’re antagonists. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s right. They were very bare bones. Check out the vintage picture here. I never saw a McDonald’s with a playroom until we moved to Arizona in 1998.

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  2. That last sentence is very long! What does he like about the shakes? Why McDonald’s versus some other place? What kind of shakes did they get? I’m guessing it’s a first date or so since they’re not sharing 🙂 I remember the nerves of eating in front of first dates and not knowing who was going to pay or how much to order or if we should share or not. Whew, they’re not nervous at all though! He must be confident.

    Liked by 1 person

    • They order chocolate shakes in a previous sentence (sorry, had to keep the snippet to the 10-sentence limit). The characters are actually in their twenties, and Dave is really cheap. Thanks for your suggestions about what they like about the shakes and the uncertainties of the first date. Great ideas! They’ll help me make the scene come alive.

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    • I remember it, too, so we might be the same age. What does it say about me that I remember it like it was yesterday, but I can’t remember the actual yesterday?

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