A Snippet from The Unicornologist, (Rebooted) Chapter 13

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A Snippet from The Unicornologist, (Rebooted) Chapter 13

It’s time for Weekend Writing Warriors! Every Sunday, a bunch of writers post 8-10-sentence snippets from their works-in-progress on their blogs. There’s a lot of reading, commenting and great writing. Click on the link to see the full list.

When we left Dave and Beth last week, they were looking for the fishing stream in the State Forest, so they could take a sample to determine the level of pesticides in the water. They finally find the stream, collect their sample, and notice some activity upstream…

Poised at the water’s edge stood a deer, a raccoon, a rabbit, and a pair of birds, waiting, their eyes trained on the pure white creature who dipped its horn into the water. When the creature drank, the other animals moved forward to do the same.

“What is that?” whispered Dave.

“It looks like—but it can’t be.”

The white being had an equine shape. When it raised its head, its remarkable horn pointed straight up. A water-soaked beard dangled from its chin, and its mane rippled in the breeze.

“What is it?”

Beth hesitated before answering, “It looks like a unicorn. But that’s not possible–there’s no such thing.”

I know it’s short (the limit is ten sentences), but what do you think of this small excerpt from Chapter 13? Any suggestions on how I can make it better? Please leave your comments below.

9 responses »

  1. Fun to see a unicorn and I loved the way the other animals were also in awe. Cool. Suggestion: try not to use the word “it” and “its” so often in so few sentences. Maybe move the sentence structure around a bit so you don’t have to say “it” constantly.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, I know. I have a dear friend who underlines all my repeated words. I’m not sure how to avoid it here, though. I purposely delayed saying “unicorn.”

      Like

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