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Hillary’s dad, packing for his honeymoon with his new wife, just asked Hillary if she knows where the flashlight is. (She’s stashed it in the woods, where she plans to camp while her parents are away, because she ‘s entrusted with protecting a unicorn against hunters. Of course, her dad knows nothing about this.)
“Isn’t it in the tool drawer in the kitchen?”
“No, can you find it for me?”
Hillary knew exactly where it was—safely tied up in her pillowcase in the maple tree by the clearing in the woods. “Do you really need a flashlight for your trip?”
“I’d like to have it in the car, just in case.”
“I’ll see if I can find it.” She went downstairs and fumbled loudly in the tool drawer for show. “I’ll go look in the garage,” she called. The screen door slammed behind her. She had no intention of confessing that she’d taken the flashlight, because then she’d have to explain why.
I know it’s short (the limit is ten sentences), but what do you think of this small excerpt from Chapter 17? Any suggestions on how I can make it better? Please comment below.
ARHtistic License 
Can’t wait to see how she wiggles out of this! Nice scene, Andrea.
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She’s in trouble but it’s to save Bob so to lie is okay…good writing.
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Hmm, interesting. Thanks for sharing!
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Best to be prepared.
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I wonder when Dad’s just going to give up and buy a new one for his trip? I hope the flashlight helps her with unicorn duty! Nice snippet!
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Yeah, he does, in a few minutes.
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Since you’re looking for suggestions … I found myself wondering why she doesn’t want to tell him. I can think of many reasons — she doesn’t want to get in trouble for taking his flashlight; she doesn’t want to see his look of scorn when she utters the word ‘unicorn’; she’s afraid he’ll try to take charge of her investigation; she doesn’t want to get grounded at this critical moment — but I don’t know what’s going through her mind.
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She doesn’t want her folks to know she plans on camping out in the woods to protect the unicorn while her parents are on their honeymoon. She reveals that through her thought process in the next couple of paragraphs, but I couldn’t squeeze it into the excerpt.
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Once Daddy knows, will he stop her? Lock her in her room? I can imagine the possibilities. Looking forward to reading more.
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Sometimes things just get misplaced. If I was her (and better at lying), I’d just plead ignorance and stick with it until he gives up or buys another flashlight!
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Yup, that’s pretty much what she does next–actually, she changes the subject to breakfast.
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It is the most important meal of the day, after all.
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We’ve had lots of lost flashlights around here! And, personally, I’d think it was really cool if my kids wanted to go camping, and guard a unicorn. Of course, I’m not likely to ground anyone, either, so there’s that.
I like the snippet, and the possibilities! =D
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