Weekend Writing Warriors: Andrea’s Snippet #38

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Weekend Writing Warriors: Andrea’s Snippet #38

Every Sunday, the Weekend Writing Warriors share 8-10-sentence snippets from their works-in-progress on their blogs for others to read and comment on. Join the fun! Click on the link to see the full list.

7. The Unicorn in Captivity

The Unicornologist ~ High school freshman Hillary Noone, on a field trip to The Cloisters, receives a prophecy: she is destined to save the unicorn. Though she shrugs it off as being preposterous, soon life imitates art, and she finds herself in mortal danger.

We return to Beth and Dave, who in last week’s snippet tried to cut off the unicorn’s horn, earning a nice goring for Dave. We pick up a few moments later.

“I’m taking off your shirt,” she said, starting to undo his buttons.

Dave shook his head no.

“You need a bandage, and I’m not taking off my shirt.” She finished unbuttoning him and stripped the shirt off. She folded up the body of the shirt, centered it on the puncture in his chest, and tied it around him with the sleeves. “Put pressure on that.”

Obediently, Dave pressed his hand over the wound.

Beth put his other arm around her neck. “Now stand up–I’ll help you.”

Dave struggled to his feet, crying out in pain.

I know it’s short (the limit is ten sentences), but what do you think of this small excerpt from Chapter 20? Any suggestions on how I can make it better? Please comment below.

 

17 responses »

  1. Oy! I think Dave deserves what he got, but since she’s driven to help him… 🙂

    Something jumped out at me–the word “shirt”–and I think it’s because I catch myself doing it too when I write–repetition of a word. You’d think I would have the thesaurus memorized by now. 🙂

    So I visited thesaurus, and that didn’t help a danged bit. 🙂

    A suggestion–as long as it doesn’t misconstrue the larger context.

    “You need a bandage, and I’m not taking off my shirt.” She finished unbuttoning his. After stripping it off, she folded up the body of it, centered it on the puncture in his chest, and tied it around him with the sleeves. “Put pressure on that.”

    Just an idea.

    This is a wonderful story you have going, Andrea!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Last week, I wasn’t sure I liked either of them. But, Beth is showing her nurturing side, so I guess she’s going to be redeemed. Cool, efficient, dealing with an emergency. WIll she fall apart afterward? That’s what I always did. LOL

    Liked by 1 person

    • She won’t fall apart (Dave is too much of a jerk for an intelligent woman to fall apart for), but in a couple of days she’ll get a surprise that will make her wonder just what she’s dealing with…

      Like

  3. She’s nice and practical. His shirt’s probably damaged anyway.
    My only suggestion is a minor kind of edit–that too much italics for emphasis makes them lose their strength. You might consider which is more important when you have two in a sentence, and just use that.

    Liked by 1 person

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