Every Sunday, the Weekend Writing Warriors share 8-10-sentence snippets from their works-in-progress on their blogs for others to read and comment on. Join the fun! Click on the link to see the full list.
The Unicornologist ~ High school freshman Hillary Noone, on a field trip to The Cloisters, receives a prophecy: she is destined to save the unicorn. Though she shrugs it off as being preposterous, soon life imitates art, and she finds herself in mortal danger.
We return to Beth and Dave, who in last week’s snippet tried to cut off the unicorn’s horn, earning a nice goring for Dave. We pick up a few moments later.
“I’m taking off your shirt,” she said, starting to undo his buttons.
Dave shook his head no.
“You need a bandage, and I’m not taking off my shirt.” She finished unbuttoning him and stripped the shirt off. She folded up the body of the shirt, centered it on the puncture in his chest, and tied it around him with the sleeves. “Put pressure on that.”
Obediently, Dave pressed his hand over the wound.
Beth put his other arm around her neck. “Now stand up–I’ll help you.”
Dave struggled to his feet, crying out in pain.
I know it’s short (the limit is ten sentences), but what do you think of this small excerpt from Chapter 20? Any suggestions on how I can make it better? Please comment below.
ARHtistic License 
I like how matter of fact and calm she is. Great snippet!
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She’s definitely keeping a cool head. I can’t decide if I want him to be okay or not. 🙂
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The only suggestion I can offer is give a little more sensation from her, the color of the blood, the tang of iron, things like that. It reads fine as it is! Thanks for sharing more!
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Thanks for the good suggestions!
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Oy! I think Dave deserves what he got, but since she’s driven to help him… 🙂
Something jumped out at me–the word “shirt”–and I think it’s because I catch myself doing it too when I write–repetition of a word. You’d think I would have the thesaurus memorized by now. 🙂
So I visited thesaurus, and that didn’t help a danged bit. 🙂
A suggestion–as long as it doesn’t misconstrue the larger context.
“You need a bandage, and I’m not taking off my shirt.” She finished unbuttoning his. After stripping it off, she folded up the body of it, centered it on the puncture in his chest, and tied it around him with the sleeves. “Put pressure on that.”
Just an idea.
This is a wonderful story you have going, Andrea!
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Thanks–repeating words is one of my bad habits.
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She may be on the wrong side because she’s trying to cut off the horn, but she’s also showing she has some admirable traits.
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Beth does respond well in a crisis.
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Last week, I wasn’t sure I liked either of them. But, Beth is showing her nurturing side, so I guess she’s going to be redeemed. Cool, efficient, dealing with an emergency. WIll she fall apart afterward? That’s what I always did. LOL
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She won’t fall apart (Dave is too much of a jerk for an intelligent woman to fall apart for), but in a couple of days she’ll get a surprise that will make her wonder just what she’s dealing with…
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She’s a cool customer. Not too fond of Dave, I’d say. I hope his wound isn’t too life threatening. Bet she won’t help a bit if it is!
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She’s got the situation full in hand, and he’d better now try to interfere with how she wants things handled.
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She’s nice and practical. His shirt’s probably damaged anyway.
My only suggestion is a minor kind of edit–that too much italics for emphasis makes them lose their strength. You might consider which is more important when you have two in a sentence, and just use that.
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Thanks for the suggestion.
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Great snippet, and I really liked the dialogue. 🙂
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Great snippet. I liked the suggestion of adding the smell of the blood, etc. Does Dave gag, become sick? It seems like he’s too calm for having a bad wound.
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Good thought! Thanks, Betty.
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