Every Sunday, the Weekend Writing Warriors share 8-10-sentence snippets from their works-in-progress on their blogs for others to read and comment on. Join the fun! Click on the link to see the full list.
The Unicornologist ~ High school freshman Hillary Noone, on a field trip to The Cloisters, receives a prophecy: she is destined to save the unicorn. Though she shrugs it off as being preposterous, soon life imitates art, and she finds herself in mortal danger.
It’s Hillary’s second night camping alone in the woods. She’s just crawled into her sleeping bag.
Moments later, the whispers began. Worthless! Stupid! Why don’t you just die? Go away! You’re not welcome here.
Hillary sat up and shuddered. She clamped her hands over her ears and rocked herself. She could still hear the taunting words.
Trembling and whimpering to drown out the voices, she clamped her eyes shut to deaden her sense of doom.
I know it’s short (the limit is ten sentences), but what do you think of this small excerpt from the end of Chapter 21? Any suggestions on how I can make it better? Please comment below.
ARHtistic License 
Hillary certainly has her challenges in life! Interesting snippet….
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I think i’d be freaked out by being alone in the woods at night more so than these whispers. Still, they would be disconcerting. Nice snippet!
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Oh, all those forces trying to keep her from saving the unicorn. I hope she makes it through the night without going mad.
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Poor Emily, she’s so tortured.
Suggestion (since you asked) is to look at your repeat of “clamped” and find something else for the eyes or ears. 😀
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Good catch! I didn’t even see that. (One of the reasons I love participating–it’s good to get some eagle eyes on your work!)
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You’ve got me wondering about the source of the voices and whether they’re ‘real’ or just in her head.
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Good–wondering was what I was going for.
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I just jumped into this, so I can’t really give advice on how to improve anything. But I am definitely wondering what the voices are! Great snippet!
And yay! You have 5 kids too! I always get happy to find others that have large families. Mine are 15, 13, 9, 7, and 5! Amazed I can even do WeWriWa sometimes, lol.
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I’m a little older than you. We’re empty nesters. Our kids range in age from 27-37, so, like you, we did the 5-kids-in-10-years. It’s super hectic for you now, but also rewarding (and fun, sometimes).
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I love them more than anything in the world and can’t imagine not having all of them. But with that being said, I also don’t want any more either, especially that my youngest just started Kindergarten, I don’t think I could do baby stages all over again. Plus I’ve been divorced from their dad for almost 3 years now, which just adds another level of craziness to it all.
Nice to meet you! And I look forward to reading more of your writing!
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It seems someone or something really doesn’t want her to complete this mission!
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I would totally freak out if I heard voices in the woods at night. Yikes!
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Sounds like someone’s in trouble… Great snippet!
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Oh no. 😦 That sounds awful. Thanks for sharing!
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Wow a very scary scene. Not enough to be alone in the woods, but to “not” be alone at the same time would terrify me!
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