Weekend Writing Warriors: Snippet #64

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Weekend Writing Warriors: Snippet #64

Every Sunday, the Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday participants share 8-10-sentence snippets from their works-in-progress on their blogs for others to read and comment on. Join the fun! Click on the links to see the full lists.

droneflyer-nick-161833Starting today, I’m sharing snippets from another picture book manuscript, Mine. Seven-year-old Buddy terrorizes the playground, appropriating everyone’s toys. How can the kids teach him a lesson and get their stuff back? Here are the opening lines:

From the top of the slide, Buddy watched the entire playground.

His eyes focused on two boys in the sandbox playing with a dump truck. They drove it around an imaginary road, loaded it up with sand, moved it to a low place, and dumped out their load. It looked like so much fun that Buddy couldn’t bear merely to watch. He slid down the slide and ran to the sandbox.wewriwa2

“Mine!” he cried, and pulled the truck away from the boys.

Startled, the boys looked at each other, shrugged, and dug in the dirt with their hands.

Meanwhile, Buddy loaded and dumped, loaded and dumped, and and made motor noises while he moved the truck through the sand.

I know it’s short, but what do you think of this small excerpt? Any suggestions on how I can make it better? Please comment below.

16 responses »

  1. He sounds like a much younger child. A seven year old bully would be more verbal (unless your character has some form of developmental delay?) and taunting. (Mother of two, grandmother of two here.) Would the other two really be so easily accepting of his action? Best wishes with the book, it’s an important subject for sure.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Veronica, I’m a mother of five and a former elementary school teacher who pulled many hours of playground duty. I hear what you’re saying, and I probably haven’t made Buddy menacing enough. A bully doesn’t have to say a word to intimidate. I need to work on conveying his look.

      Like

  2. Important subject, indeed. And important for kids to learn that it’s not acceptable behavior. I’m curious to see how you make that point. 🙂

    No post for me this week. Just out reading what others are posting!

    Liked by 1 person

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