Every Sunday, the Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday participants share 8-10-sentence snippets from their works-in-progress on their blogs for others to read and comment on. Join the fun! Click on the links to see the full lists.
Starting today, I’m sharing snippets from another picture book manuscript, Mine. Seven-year-old Buddy terrorizes the playground, appropriating everyone’s toys. How can the kids teach him a lesson and get their stuff back? Here are the opening lines:
From the top of the slide, Buddy watched the entire playground.
His eyes focused on two boys in the sandbox playing with a dump truck. They drove it around an imaginary road, loaded it up with sand, moved it to a low place, and dumped out their load. It looked like so much fun that Buddy couldn’t bear merely to watch. He slid down the slide and ran to the sandbox.
“Mine!” he cried, and pulled the truck away from the boys.
Startled, the boys looked at each other, shrugged, and dug in the dirt with their hands.
Meanwhile, Buddy loaded and dumped, loaded and dumped, and and made motor noises while he moved the truck through the sand.
I know it’s short, but what do you think of this small excerpt? Any suggestions on how I can make it better? Please comment below.
ARHtistic License 
So good, so right. You paint the scene perfectly.
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He sounds like a much younger child. A seven year old bully would be more verbal (unless your character has some form of developmental delay?) and taunting. (Mother of two, grandmother of two here.) Would the other two really be so easily accepting of his action? Best wishes with the book, it’s an important subject for sure.
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Veronica, I’m a mother of five and a former elementary school teacher who pulled many hours of playground duty. I hear what you’re saying, and I probably haven’t made Buddy menacing enough. A bully doesn’t have to say a word to intimidate. I need to work on conveying his look.
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sounds like someone needs to learn playground etiquette
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Oh, if someone stole my son’s dump truck, he wouldn’t just shrug, no matter how old he was. It’s a good excerpt otherwise.
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Hopefully those kids know Buddy, because there’s no way that would fly in any playground I’ve ever seen. 😉
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Even if those kids are afraid of Buddy I would expect more of an emotional reaction. I did love the image of him perched at the top of the slide, surveying his world like a little tyrant.
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I agree with the above. The bit about him watching everything from the top of the slide is great.
Where are the parents?
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Probably looking at their phones.
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These other kids need a baseball bat or something similar.
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LOL!
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I know my kids, even if they were younger than him, would’ve put up a fuss. I think you need more than just a look of surprise.
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Those were two very complaisant boys! I could understand if they were afraid of him but just to shrug seems kind of odd.
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Hmm. He’s quite a little piece of work!
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Important subject, indeed. And important for kids to learn that it’s not acceptable behavior. I’m curious to see how you make that point. 🙂
No post for me this week. Just out reading what others are posting!
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I’m with everyone else–I’d want to see something to explain how he’s terrorized them into just giving up. Even so, I’d expect them to show their sadness for a minute, even if they don’t fight back.
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