
Every Sunday, the Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday participants share 8-10-sentence snippets from their works-in-progress on their blogs for others to read and comment on. Join the fun! Click on the links to see the full lists.
I’m excerpting from a new (old) picture book project, Lottie Loses the Lottery. Here’s the opening. Please forgive the run-on sentences. I’ve used inadequate punctuation to get around the 10-sentence limit.
The lottery machine on the TV screen spit out numbered balls, and the smiling man announced, “The winning numbers are…one…nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine…forty-two…six hundred eighty-seven…three…two hundred fifty-six…nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-eight…eleven…and the bonus number is…seven!”
Lottie shuffled through the forty tickets in her hand. Drat! Not one winner.
Her phone quacked like a duck, and she answered it.
“Oh, Lottie–I just had to tell somebody–I won the lottery! The hundred-million-dollar jackpot!”
Lottie broke out in a cold sweat. “Who is this?”
“Lottie, it’s me, Eva, your next-door neighbor–isn’t it wonderful?”
I know it’s short, but what do you think of this snippet? Any suggestions on how I can make it better? Please comment below.
Oh, I wonder what that news means for Lottie.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow. Sounds like a very large lottery (with those numbers!).
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nothing like having your nose rubbed in the fact that you didn’t win.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s an intriguing snippet. I want to read more.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can feel her heart sink. Sometimes it’s so hard to feel excitement when you’re not the winner. Unless . . . there’s foul play afoot.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh my, I don’t know Lottie but I could see that go really really bad!
Also I think the number are a bit weird, aren’t they normally only going up to like 99?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Deliberate exaggeration on the part of the author. Artistic license, of course.
LikeLike
I wonder why the cold sweat…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I wonder at her reaction. She didn’t recognize the woman’s voice, and the cold sweat thing. Intriguing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Everyone wants to think they’ll get lucky. And someone does every now and then, of course… but this is insult to injury! I bet she’s at least thinking about going over there and taking that ticket!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I wonder about the cold sweat, not so sure about that … and as for the neighbour … she’s odd. obviously they’re not close, so why would she tell Lottie (appropriate name 😉 )
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m intrigued by it just like it is. Loads of emotion in it.I’d be so jealous. lol
LikeLike