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I’m excerpting from a new (old) picture book project, Lottie Loses the Lottery. Here’s the opening. Please forgive the run-on sentences. I’ve used inadequate punctuation to get around the 10-sentence limit.
The lottery machine on the TV screen spit out numbered balls, and the smiling man announced, “The winning numbers are…one…nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine…forty-two…six hundred eighty-seven…three…two hundred fifty-six…nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-eight…eleven…and the bonus number is…seven!”
Lottie shuffled through the forty tickets in her hand. Drat! Not one winner.
Her phone quacked like a duck, and she answered it.
“Oh, Lottie–I just had to tell somebody–I won the lottery! The hundred-million-dollar jackpot!”
Lottie broke out in a cold sweat. “Who is this?”
“Lottie, it’s me, Eva, your next-door neighbor–isn’t it wonderful?”
I know it’s short, but what do you think of this snippet? Any suggestions on how I can make it better? Please comment below.