Weekend Writing Warriors: Snippet #70

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Weekend Writing Warriors: Snippet #70

Every Sunday, the Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday participants share 8-10-sentence snippets from their works-in-progress on their blogs for others to read and comment on. Join the fun! Click on the links to see the full lists.

Money

I’m excerpting from a new (old) picture book project, Lottie Loses the Lottery. Here’s the opening. Please forgive the run-on sentences. I’ve used inadequate punctuation to get around the 10-sentence limit.

 The lottery machine on the TV screen spit out numbered balls, and the smiling man announced, “The winning numbers are…one…nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine…forty-two…six hundred eighty-seven…three…two hundred fifty-six…nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-eight…eleven…and the bonus number is…seven!”

Lottie shuffled through the forty tickets in her hand. Drat! Not one winner.

Her phone quacked like a duck, and she answered it.

“Oh, Lottie–I just had to tell somebody–I won the lottery! The hundred-million-dollar jackpot!”wewriwa2

Lottie broke out in a cold sweat. “Who is this?”

“Lottie, it’s me, Eva, your next-door neighbor–isn’t it wonderful?”

I know it’s short, but what do you think of this snippet? Any suggestions on how I can make it better? Please comment below.

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