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I’m excerpting from a new (old) picture book project, Lottie Loses the Lottery. Here’s the opening. Please forgive the run-on sentences. I’ve used inadequate punctuation to get around the 10-sentence limit.
The lottery machine on the TV screen spit out numbered balls, and the smiling man announced, “The winning numbers are…one…nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine…forty-two…six hundred eighty-seven…three…two hundred fifty-six…nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-eight…eleven…and the bonus number is…seven!”
Lottie shuffled through the forty tickets in her hand. Drat! Not one winner.
Her phone quacked like a duck, and she answered it.
“Oh, Lottie–I just had to tell somebody–I won the lottery! The hundred-million-dollar jackpot!”
Lottie broke out in a cold sweat. “Who is this?”
“Lottie, it’s me, Eva, your next-door neighbor–isn’t it wonderful?”
I know it’s short, but what do you think of this snippet? Any suggestions on how I can make it better? Please comment below.
ARHtistic License 
Oh, I wonder what that news means for Lottie.
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Wow. Sounds like a very large lottery (with those numbers!).
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Nothing like having your nose rubbed in the fact that you didn’t win.
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That’s an intriguing snippet. I want to read more.
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I can feel her heart sink. Sometimes it’s so hard to feel excitement when you’re not the winner. Unless . . . there’s foul play afoot.
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Oh my, I don’t know Lottie but I could see that go really really bad!
Also I think the number are a bit weird, aren’t they normally only going up to like 99?
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Deliberate exaggeration on the part of the author. Artistic license, of course.
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I wonder why the cold sweat…
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I wonder at her reaction. She didn’t recognize the woman’s voice, and the cold sweat thing. Intriguing.
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Everyone wants to think they’ll get lucky. And someone does every now and then, of course… but this is insult to injury! I bet she’s at least thinking about going over there and taking that ticket!
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I wonder about the cold sweat, not so sure about that … and as for the neighbour … she’s odd. obviously they’re not close, so why would she tell Lottie (appropriate name 😉 )
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I’m intrigued by it just like it is. Loads of emotion in it.I’d be so jealous. lol
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