Weekend Writing Warriors: Snippet #73

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Weekend Writing Warriors: Snippet #73

Every Sunday, the Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday participants share 8-10-sentence snippets from their works-in-progress on their blogs for others to read and comment on. Join the fun! Click on the links to see the full lists.

Lottie Loses the Lottery (picture book): Lottie has the worst luck. She didn’t win the lottery–but her next-door neighbor, Eva, did. How can Lottie shed her funky mood and be genuinely happy for Eva?

Money

After declining Eva’s party invitation in last week’s snippet, Lottie soothes her resentful soul by watching tv and stuffing herself with chocolate chip cookies. Then…

Hearing sounds of activity in the neighborhood, she carefully parted her window curtains just far enough to accommodate her binoculars.

Cars lined both sides of the street. Smiling and laughing, the partygoers walked to Eva’s front door.

Lottie could hear snatches of conversations. The cheerful congratulations and laughter made her stomach ache (or maybe it was all those chocolate chip cookies crammed into her gut).

Lottie wandered to the back of the house and directed her binoculars out another window. Just as she suspected, guests spilled out Eva’s kitchen door and into her backyard. Twinkle lights glittered festively in the trees, and candles gleamed inside jars on tables scattered around the yard. Upbeat music played softly, and Eva circulated among her friends, carrying a tray loaded with tasty-looking desserts. All those happy celebrators enjoying Eva’s hospitality annoyed Lottie deep down to her core.

I know it’s short (10-sentence limit), but what do you think of this snippet? Any suggestions on how I can make it better? Please comment below.

11 responses »

  1. Building tension! Makes me wonder what will happen as the party progresses–if Lottie will lash out somehow.

    One thing jumped out at me. The last para, I’d maybe start with “she” instead of Lottie. It might sound a bit less klunky.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Andrea. I saw your comment on the First Page Review blog. I’m sorry it wasn’t visible to you. Several others have signed up, and I can see it. I’m hoping it’s just a WordPress vs. Blogger glitch– and the list will appear for you. If it doesn’t appear within a few days, I can enter your information for you. 🙂 It’s no problem at all. Just let me know. A comment on my blog, or The First Page Review blog. Or email me @ cypherbuss at yahoo dot com

    Liked by 1 person

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